1.
The first night, I felt a tightness in my chest,
the heart fluttered, and I took a deep breath.
My mind raced, not knowing this alien
sensation. I ignored it, and it went
away. The morning after, sugar spilled
over the counter; pouring down Corn Flakes.
I called my mother, telling her about
the dull pain in my stomach and the night
before. She told me to relax. “Maturity
is a gradual condition of decline.”
I breathe deeper now, every night and watch
the brightening of the east. My hair is
gone, falling out in large clumps. Since then, I
have invested a fortune in Drano.
2.
The doctor holds the X-ray to the light,
pointing at the blurry spots. He frowns as
he turns towards her. “I’m afraid it’s returned,”
he said. I pull her close to me but can’t
speak. “Remission” was the happiest word,
but “relapse” silences all active tongues.
She turned away from science & from me.
Her gaze rested instead on herbalist,
acupuncturist, new-age charlatans
giving her hope where others had failed.
Every day she would pray, and eat bean sprouts.
She grew thinner, and the lines on her face
Illustrated the resignation she
had finally acquiesced to this cold fate.
3.
He wouldn’t go near her casket, wouldn’t
even look at her lying cold and still.
I tried to tell him that plasticine face
amd those waxy hands were not hers, were not
anything but the mortician’s own craft.
“It’s all artifice, you see. She’s still here
with us as long as you hold her in your
heart.” He didn’t listen, or didn’t hear.
Everyone was there, a homecomming no
one asked for. Maybe it helped all of us
move on and accept our fate in the world.
Or maybe we’re all lying to ourselves.
Maybe this fate is impossible to accept;
then we all must cry with empty arms.
June 30, 2009
Folly
We stand hungrily in the trees. We are no longer complete. Our humanity has been ripped from us by the unfeeling rip of metal and black powder. We hand listlessly, wind chimes in the fog of war. No one will grant us what we need. If there is a god, we have yet to see him.
What we have seen is the horror that befalls young men when the old men have disagreements. We were studying to become engineers, lawyers, and doctors. Hans Costrop’s grandfather had already set him up in business. He came from a long line of successful men. They all died before Hans, but now that line is broken. I think I can see part of him in the lower branches.
This is not the end that we expected. Poets have spoken beautiful words about warfare. Half a league onward. If only half a league. In three months the line shifted and changed, but after those three months only one hundred yards were gained. I saw my first bodies, they were the bodies of my friends and colleagues. We had played boyhood games in schoolyards together. Now those games are no more. No more than half a league, and the five hundred were the ones that fell on one day.
These trenches are the valley of death. God is my shepherd, but he has misguided us all. He who sacrificed his only begotten son has sacrificed thousands more of his children. What folly has this brought us? I shift in the wind, and my comrades walk on, not looking at the horrors that we are. I cannot blame them. I have stopped looking and closed my eyes myself.
What we have seen is the horror that befalls young men when the old men have disagreements. We were studying to become engineers, lawyers, and doctors. Hans Costrop’s grandfather had already set him up in business. He came from a long line of successful men. They all died before Hans, but now that line is broken. I think I can see part of him in the lower branches.
This is not the end that we expected. Poets have spoken beautiful words about warfare. Half a league onward. If only half a league. In three months the line shifted and changed, but after those three months only one hundred yards were gained. I saw my first bodies, they were the bodies of my friends and colleagues. We had played boyhood games in schoolyards together. Now those games are no more. No more than half a league, and the five hundred were the ones that fell on one day.
These trenches are the valley of death. God is my shepherd, but he has misguided us all. He who sacrificed his only begotten son has sacrificed thousands more of his children. What folly has this brought us? I shift in the wind, and my comrades walk on, not looking at the horrors that we are. I cannot blame them. I have stopped looking and closed my eyes myself.
fishin (1998)
My family has enjoyed many experiences together. We’ve had many good times, but the most memorable time I’ve spent with my family was one that was the worst for me. I felt horrible the whole weekend, but the fact that I was with my family made the whole event worth it.
It all started when my parents came up with a fine idea. We were all going to the zoo! I couldn’t wait. It was last year, and I hadn’t been to a real zoo in ages. I was all prepared to go to Pittsburgh, and as we drove, I became more excited as each mile passed. We finally got to the hotel, and checked in.
As soon as we laid our possessions down, we went out to find a place to eat.
We ate at T.G.I.Friday’s, a place I rarely get a chance to eat. I took full advantage of that chance. I stuffed myself so full, I started feeling sick. My family was going to the Monroeville Mall, but I felt like doing nothing of the sort.
I walk the short distance back to the hotel, and immediately fall asleep in my soft comfortable bed at the Hampton Inn.
The next thing I know, my family is making preparations to check out of the hotel and head for a wonderful day of enjoyment at the Pittsburgh Zoo. All that I can think about is how bad I need to vomit.
Being sick is no fun, but through personal experience, I can safely say that wandering around a zoo for an entire day makes matters even worse. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, but I stared at my shoes for what seemed like an eternity. It was only occasionally that I looked up to see the exotic animals that presented themselves to me. Truthfully, I think I was more transfixed by my shoestrings than the majestic African lion, and my swooshes had more power to hold a stare than the unusual kangaroo.
On any other day, I would have enjoyed the experience, but the pain of my stomach made everything just too much to bear. It was a bright, beautiful day, but my cold chills made the day feel as if it was in the dead of winter. Each heavy step of my foot made my stomach churn a little more each step I took. How I survived the day, I’ll never know. Getting into the car, I felt as if I had accomplished something grand, but in reality, it was a minor victory. The car ride home was one of the worst that I have ever experienced, but I made it home, safe and sound.
I was finally home, and the last thing that I remember from that day was a mad dash for the toilet. From there, I washed my mouth out, then went to sleep. The next day, Monday, we had a track meet. I didn’t feel any better, but I still ran, but that is another story…
I don’t get to spend much time with my family, so I treasured the weekend at the zoo. The fact that I was not at my peak is no issue. I had a good time, despite my illness, and family is what really matters, isn’t it?
It all started when my parents came up with a fine idea. We were all going to the zoo! I couldn’t wait. It was last year, and I hadn’t been to a real zoo in ages. I was all prepared to go to Pittsburgh, and as we drove, I became more excited as each mile passed. We finally got to the hotel, and checked in.
As soon as we laid our possessions down, we went out to find a place to eat.
We ate at T.G.I.Friday’s, a place I rarely get a chance to eat. I took full advantage of that chance. I stuffed myself so full, I started feeling sick. My family was going to the Monroeville Mall, but I felt like doing nothing of the sort.
I walk the short distance back to the hotel, and immediately fall asleep in my soft comfortable bed at the Hampton Inn.
The next thing I know, my family is making preparations to check out of the hotel and head for a wonderful day of enjoyment at the Pittsburgh Zoo. All that I can think about is how bad I need to vomit.
Being sick is no fun, but through personal experience, I can safely say that wandering around a zoo for an entire day makes matters even worse. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, but I stared at my shoes for what seemed like an eternity. It was only occasionally that I looked up to see the exotic animals that presented themselves to me. Truthfully, I think I was more transfixed by my shoestrings than the majestic African lion, and my swooshes had more power to hold a stare than the unusual kangaroo.
On any other day, I would have enjoyed the experience, but the pain of my stomach made everything just too much to bear. It was a bright, beautiful day, but my cold chills made the day feel as if it was in the dead of winter. Each heavy step of my foot made my stomach churn a little more each step I took. How I survived the day, I’ll never know. Getting into the car, I felt as if I had accomplished something grand, but in reality, it was a minor victory. The car ride home was one of the worst that I have ever experienced, but I made it home, safe and sound.
I was finally home, and the last thing that I remember from that day was a mad dash for the toilet. From there, I washed my mouth out, then went to sleep. The next day, Monday, we had a track meet. I didn’t feel any better, but I still ran, but that is another story…
I don’t get to spend much time with my family, so I treasured the weekend at the zoo. The fact that I was not at my peak is no issue. I had a good time, despite my illness, and family is what really matters, isn’t it?
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