Today - I mourn. I lost my best friend. It was his end, but he
lived a long life full of love. Anita and I loved him as deeply and strongly as
we could, and he loved us. This isn’t the first time I have lost a pet I adore,
and it won’t be the last. Knowing his suffering is gone makes it a little
easier, but it’s not easy. Loving a pet is an intensely personal act. That bond
created becomes a silent dance as you grow into each other’s habits, know where
to scratch and they know the sound of your steps as you come to the door.
Barney had many friends and if you ever met him you were one of them. As I
mourn, I also want to celebrate that love shared between people and their furry
friends. Give your friend a pet or a squeeze and tell them you love them. And
then give them an extra from us.
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| Barnabe Riche in Brighter Days |
Below are notes I took for the last several days, so these moments
don’t get forgotten as the ones you have love and lost live on in our
memories.
#3/23/2021
Yesterday evening Anita and I had a hard conversation where we decided
that Barney's age and infirmities had caught up to him and the cumulative
effect is that he can't really function and is uncomfortable most of his waking
day. So, we're going to be looking to put him to sleep. I love him very much
and this breaks my heart. One of the great tragedies of life is how short our
pets live. He's been in decline for years but the last few weeks we've had a
couple things that really illustrated to us that it is time to say goodbye.
Needless to say, I am a mess and not being very productive workwise right now.
I think I'll need a couple of days off but I'm not sure of the timeline right
now.
My family had a lot of dogs growing up, but I only had a few that
I considered my dog, and somehow, they all died too young. I've been blessed
I've been able to have Barney for over 14 years, but I still selfishly want him
to live forever.
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| Couch Terrier |
Can ignore pooping in the house and feel sad that he has trouble
getting up and down, but when he falls walking more than once, something is up.
I’ve cried a lot so far, and it was just on making the decision.
The hardest was when I remembered that he was a gift from Dad, and that was a
connection there. And also, when crying about him made me think of all my other
dogs.
It is partly selfish. Cleaning up poop daily and waking up in the
middle of the night isn’t fun.
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| One last Treat |
But I think I really understand people who are ok with the death
of those who they love and who have suffered. Being around Barney and watching
his decline has been a bit of a denial, pretending that the constellation of
things wrong with him really aren’t wrong with him but also knowing that if a
healthy dog woke up like he is now we’d be wigged out. The decline is slow
enough you don’t notice it. The real hard thing is that you can’t talk to your
dog to really get his consent.
I want to be there with him when passes, but I also really don’t
want to.
He’s my buddy and it breaks my heart how much I love him.
I wonder what he’s thinking as we pet him more and cry.
##3/24/2021
Anita as I was leaning on her Tuesday night and starting to cry:
“Are you getting sad again?”
I think this is one of the things made harder by covid. We called
the vet and first got their voicemail. And then we called and talked to a
receptionist, and the vet on duty was busy. I don’t think we’ve seen one of his
normal vets for a year and a half since the pandemic started right before his
normal checkup date. He has seen a vet, but the only time we got face to face
was with the tired woman at Countryside and that was really focused on the
emergency situation. So, we called and got the voicemail, and then we called
and got a receptionist who left a message and then this morning we did the same
thing, hoping for a call back. I’m exhausted. And sad.
But in a way it sucks because we’re just looking for permission to
do the thing, we already decided needs done. If I think it’s time, dude, it
must be time.
I remember thinking along the lines of “When the time comes, I’ll
be ok since he’s lived a long full life.” Well, I was wrong there. I’ve been
mentally preparing for losing him for a couple of years, but I am still not
ready.
He’s been such a good dog.
We just talked to the vet and Merrick isn’t allowing people in the
office. The countryside vet will allow people to come in, so we’re going there.
I wanted to snuggle with him on the couch, but I think it agitates
him and makes him uncomfortable. You see these stories about people taking
their dog out and do the things they like to do, but the reason we’re at the
point where we are is that he doesn’t like doing the things he used to like to
do. At times laying down is a chore.
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| Photoshoot |
Tried chilling upstairs, but I think he may be reading me, weirded
out that I’m acting weird.
Took him for his last walk today. He stumbled a couple of times
but not as bad as he did on Monday. Interesting juxtaposition in that the
weather is a spring day. The lawns are greening. The bulbs in people’s gardens
are coming up, but I’m walking in the neighborhood with him one last time and
I’m the only one in the neighborhood who knows it.
I have been lucky that I’ve been around him for the last year.
I’ve gotten to be with him more, And I bet that’s actually helped extend his
life.
I owe it to Anita for being the strong one, but It’s also got to
be a burden on her, always being the strong one.
Now he’s laying calmly at my feet, in a spot he never lays in.
And he farted himself awake and went over to his bed.
What’s weird is that on Monday, after cleaning up poop, I noticed
the Nature’s Miracle cleaner was running low. I put a new bottle in my cart,
but I didn’t buy it when normally I have no issue making purchases. What did I
know then, before the walk? Compare this to last week. I bought a big bag of
food and several boxes of treats. I guess the thought was there can be nothing
wrong with him if I have a bunch of food. I literally just opened the food the
other day. That’s a sunk cost.
It's incredibly hard to go through the motions of the day knowing
that they will be the last time I do these acts with him. Habits, a nightly
dance furrows plowed year after year.
And today and yesterday there have been no major poop accidents.
Haven't had to clean the floor. But today his mobility has been worse. Falling
on the floor in the back, needing help up. But he didn't fall on the walk. But
stumbled.
Fuck. I don't want to go to bed because it brings the morning.
It's weird how focused I was on his last few age milestones.
Fourteen. Fourteen and a half. If he made one, he could make the next.
Subdivide that to days and hours. If he made it through this minute, we can be
assured of his survival for the next. But those minutes draw few.
Perhaps this can be a bookend for the long year that started with
dad dying last February.
##3/25/2021 |
| To everything a season |
A weird thing I've noticed when I woke up yesterday. I've had
songs that they were getting stuck in my head. And I think my subconscious was
picking songs trying to mentally help and soothe me. For whatever reason
Tuesday's Gone and Freebird. And then last night after I woke up to let him out
when he was moving around, the song that got stuck in my head was 1999 by
Prince. Specifically, the line the life is but a party the party aren't meant
to last.
Also, the Byrds, Turn Turn Turn.
I guess today is the day and there's no denying that.
Was petting him as he was laying on the ground, but I was too much
for him, so he got up and moved. I just want to hug him and tell him I love him,
but it will agitate him and he's laying down so peacefully in his spot by the
door. I've told him I love him a million times in his life so at least there's
no regrets there. Still, it has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, just
overwhelmed by grief at times. Stuck here in the interregnum between having
made the decision and acting on it. Keep thinking about the end of the Stranger
as Meursault faces his death.
Robot wife in the other room doing work stuff when I'm giving him
his last treat, taking him out. Stumbled again getting up and then again up the
stairs. I worry about him every time, but I really don't want him to get hurt
now.
I joke but she's very strong or at least good at pretending to be
strong.
The process at the vet was nice. We pulled up and were right in
and had an opportunity to say goodbye. I've been imagining the moment for days,
so it wasn't as bad as I was worried about. Still incredibly hard but I didn't
pass out. After they sedated him, they hit him with the drug. It was the first
time he really seemed relaxed for a while. I lay next to him on the ground
until I started hurting and pet his head one more time. Anita had his collar as
we were leaving, and I heard his tags jingle which made me look back until I
realized what was happening.
The house is quiet.
I went to pick up some things and went to grab the bottle we
filled his water bowl with. Instead of taking it to the sink I mindlessly
poured some water in the bowl. It took a second before I realized what I was
doing and then I broke down. I imagine that will be the first of many times
something similar happens.
Tried to do some comfort activities. Went to Culver's. Watching Half
Baked. Still so silent in the house.
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| 9/15/2006 - 3/25/2021 |
