We were never part of one denomination. My dad was raised catholic, but isn't
religious as far as I know. We moved a
lot and went to mainline protestant churches.
I don't ever really remember believing, but that may just be looking
back and creating new memories.
I do remember sitting and church, and being young, and
during silent prayer, thinking how absurd it was that I was silently talking
into my hands. That may have been first
or second grade. The last time I can
remember even praying was about 4th grade, hoping to win a football game.
In late middle school, I was taken on an ice skating trip
with a friend's church. i was angry that
no one told me that there was a religious ceremony beforehand. I was "Saved" that day, but looking
back, I think the lightness I felt was one more of relief, when your anxiety is
proven to be baseless -- or resolved (I felt the same way as if I had received
punishment, I knew the answer). That led
me to read the whole of the bible, in a modern translation. I was trying to recapture that feeling, the
affect of the whole thing but it was gone.
I started to recognize religion as much as a cultural thing as a
spiritual thing. I continued going to
church, thought I hated it, mainly because my friends went there. I stopped going once I left the house.
That emotion I felt I have replicated in a way. In college, I was taught Buddhist
meditation. Later i was a teacher at a
Catholic school, and we said the rosary once a month for about an hour with my
home room. There's a lot to be said for
that mindset. It focuses you and takes
you away from the mundane. But for me, it was more about the process. It feels good, but not good enough that I
have sought it out in the last five years.
It is comparable to some drugs.
Sometimes, with the right people, and the right mood, and the right
substances you can capture that. I
understand seeking that feeling of lightness, but it's not the supernatural.
I was never a strong believer, so I don't feel like I left
anything. The only thing I feel I lose
without a church of some type is the sense of community. Learning about the world, through science or
the arts widens your view and makes accepting the culture you were raised in
more difficult to do without thinking critically about it -- the standard
religion is just one aspect of it.
On a more personal level, I have never been able to resolve
the theodicy argument. Why is there bad
and evil in the world. I lost two close
friends when I was young. Allison was 12
when she was hit by lightning at a church softball game. Tamra was the most pious woman I have ever
met, and she was struck down at 20 with leukemia that came back. If that was the work of God, I wanted no part
of his world.
I try to be moral in my everyday life. I feel I am not as vocal as some atheists I
know, but I think a lot of people are reactionary. There was no big turning away for me. Religion is not a part of my life, but I
recognize that it is a part of the culture I live in.
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